Christmas 1–liner is a good way to share a Jokes or with your loved ones!
1. I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my “naughty” list.
2. You are what I want for Christmas.
3. Are you interested in seeing the “North Pole?”
4. How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?
5. That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
6. Come sit on my lap. I've got a special gift just for you.
7. Wanna meet Santas little helper?
8. Wanna check out my mistletoe belt buckle?
9. Shouldn't you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?
10. Even Santa doesnt make candy as sweet as you.
11. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
12. If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
13. I can't wait to unwrap your present!
14. Would you like to learn a few “reindeer games?”
15. Those aren't sugarplums dancing through my head, it's all you.
16. I've got your stocking stuffer right here!
17. Would you like to go to my place and light my Yule log?
18. What do you say we make this a not-so-silent night?
19. Believe me, if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
20. I've got something you can hang a wreath on.
Showing posts with label Daily Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Saturday, November 21, 2009
upgrade girlfriend to wife | Funny Tech Letter
What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 : )
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer With Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Saree 2.1 and Jewelery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support ...
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer With Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Saree 2.1 and Jewelery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support ...
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Beautiful Web designer joke (GIF)
Everyone that has worked with web design can find themselves in this fun story. I hope this animation will make you laugh.
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Thursday, April 16, 2009
33 of the Best Women Bashing Jokes Ever
Women: What would we do without them?
Well, we’d have a lot of peace and quiet and a lot more money, but the truth be told, we’d be miserable. Plus, we wouldn’t have near as many jokes to tell. Sure, you could still make fun of your buddy, but we’d be missing out on a lot of funny opportunities.
Enjoy these great jokes about our beloved women.
33. Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.
32. A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
31. Question: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Answer: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
30. Question: How is a woman like a laxative?
Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.
29. Question: What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Answer: Money.
28. A man put an ad in classified section of the newspaper: “Wife Wanted”.
The next day, he received several responses. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine”.
27. Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?
Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
26. Question: Why do men fart more than women?
Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
25. Question: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Answer: Pregnant.
24. Question: What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by at least 90 percent?
Answer: Wedding cake.
23. When a man marries Miss Right, he never realizes that her first name is “Always”.
22. Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
21. Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
20. A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
19. Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.
18. Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out?
Answer: He died laughing.
17. Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
16. Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.
15. Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.
14. Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
13. Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.
12. Question: Why did God give men penises?
Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.
11. Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.
10. Question: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
9. Question: What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Answer: Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
8. Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
7. Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
6. Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
5. Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
4. Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.
3. A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.
In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
2. Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Answer: Divorced.
1. One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.
“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”
God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history.
I know there are many more woman bashing jokes out there. When you’re handed joke material such as a woman herself, the joke possibilities are endless. However, these are my 33 favorites. What are some of your favorites?
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Monday, April 13, 2009
Clean One Liners | clean jokes one liners | Pick-Up Lines
Anyone got some clean one liners? I got a few... clean jokes for you
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
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Monday, April 6, 2009
Marriage One liners Jokes | Wedding One Liners
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Tags:
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Funny One Liners Joke | Funny pick up lines | one liner quotes
Enjoy Funny One Liners Joke of short one line jokes. It's amazing how a dirty joke can be only in one line.
101 of the World's Funniest One Liners
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
77 Ridiculous Pick-up Lines
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
101 of the World's Funniest One Liners
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
77 Ridiculous Pick-up Lines
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Tags:
Friday, October 24, 2008
Killing English in a New Way ( Jokes )
Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "
Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
Don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
Teacher in a furious mood... Write down ur name and father of ur name!!
"shhh... Quiet... The principal is revolving around college"
My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"
"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
"will u hang that calender or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
Don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
Teacher in a furious mood... Write down ur name and father of ur name!!
"shhh... Quiet... The principal is revolving around college"
My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"
"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
"will u hang that calender or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
Monday, September 1, 2008
Two Beggars Joke
Two Beggars
Two Beggars
There were two beggars sitting under the bridge for many years. There was no change in their fortune. Once God went to them and gave them three eggs each. God told both of them that They have to express their each wish and then drop the egg to the floor and the wish will be true.
Both were happy. First one used all the eggs and got wealth, health and wife and started living very happily.
Once he was passing the same bridge and to his surprise he saw his old friend second beggar still begging under the bridge. First beggar was surprised he stooped his car and went up to him.
Rich Beggar Dear what is this. You are not changed at all. Did you not use those three eggs?
Poor Beggar, Yes dear. I used all the three eggs but still I am as it is.
Rich Beggar, How come? I used all of them and see toady I am rich, healthy and family man.
Poor Beggar, What to tell you? You know I was fond of sex and sex only. I dropped the egg and wished Maximum possible ˜Instruments to me. My wish was through and my entire body had many instruments, where ever possible on my body.
Rich Beggar, My God. Then?
The Poor Beggar, It was horrible experience. I was looking like animal hanging instruments to all my body.
So I immediately dropped the second egg and wished God. Take away these instruments from my body.
The wish was through and all the instruments hanging to my body vanished. But with this I had a grave problem. I lost my original instrument also due to this wish.
Rich Beggar, O, God. It must be unfortunate and horrible. Then what you did?
Poor beggar,I had no option but to drop the third egg and wish Get me back my original instrument and that is how I lost all the three eggs. Naturally. I am on the same begging spot
Poor Beggar My sad story does not end hear. Since I asked for my original instrument I got it back as of when I was born. It is of no use dear. I have lost everything.
Two Beggars
There were two beggars sitting under the bridge for many years. There was no change in their fortune. Once God went to them and gave them three eggs each. God told both of them that They have to express their each wish and then drop the egg to the floor and the wish will be true.
Both were happy. First one used all the eggs and got wealth, health and wife and started living very happily.
Once he was passing the same bridge and to his surprise he saw his old friend second beggar still begging under the bridge. First beggar was surprised he stooped his car and went up to him.
Rich Beggar Dear what is this. You are not changed at all. Did you not use those three eggs?
Poor Beggar, Yes dear. I used all the three eggs but still I am as it is.
Rich Beggar, How come? I used all of them and see toady I am rich, healthy and family man.
Poor Beggar, What to tell you? You know I was fond of sex and sex only. I dropped the egg and wished Maximum possible ˜Instruments to me. My wish was through and my entire body had many instruments, where ever possible on my body.
Rich Beggar, My God. Then?
The Poor Beggar, It was horrible experience. I was looking like animal hanging instruments to all my body.
So I immediately dropped the second egg and wished God. Take away these instruments from my body.
The wish was through and all the instruments hanging to my body vanished. But with this I had a grave problem. I lost my original instrument also due to this wish.
Rich Beggar, O, God. It must be unfortunate and horrible. Then what you did?
Poor beggar,I had no option but to drop the third egg and wish Get me back my original instrument and that is how I lost all the three eggs. Naturally. I am on the same begging spot
Poor Beggar My sad story does not end hear. Since I asked for my original instrument I got it back as of when I was born. It is of no use dear. I have lost everything.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Lawyer’s fees
A new client meets a famous lawyer.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?
.......................................
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
.......................................
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.
.......................................
Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?
Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?
.......................................
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
.......................................
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.
.......................................
Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?
Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Strangeness of Wonderful People
How weird and wonderful people can both baffle and amaze you in equal measure.
A lovely gentleman came into the shop a while back. I was particularly impressed with this man's age. He was nearing the century mark and seemed in good health and spirits.
I booked this gentleman's appointment and saw him through to the testing room with the optician. Such a wonderful old man, I hope I am as upbeat as that if I even get that far!
He tried on lots of frames and decided on a neat pair of rimless frames with a decent varifocal lens with MAR coating. As you can see, I am becoming quite adept at shop-speak. Shop-speak is a particular talent I've always coveted and I appear to have grasped it quickly. Anyhow, the gentleman left the shop seemingly happy with his choice.
"Ready in two weeks. We'll call you" I said to the gentleman.
I telephoned the old man and he duly came into collect his shiny new pair of glasses. I asked him to try the frames on to see if the vision and comfort were to his satisfaction. He responded with an approving nod and smile.
"So that will be £165 to pay please sir."
"I will post a cheque to you."
"Ah okay, a cheque is fine sir. Would you like me to get you a pen?"
The old man smiled and said, "I will send it in the post to you in a few days."
Now given this man's age, I pretended to ignore what he was actually saying and chose instead to believe he would like to leave the glasses with us until we had received the cheque.
I kindly say, "Not a problem sir, a cheque is fine. We will just hold these for you until the payment has cleared." I smile.
One of my hands is now firmly on the glasses case. I have no idea why, I don't think he would be able to outrun me if he decided to get up. In fact, in order to get up the old man needed to perform a 20-minute five-stage manoeuvre. For some reason, I still felt a firm hand was necessary. I felt the old man grip the other side of the case with all the force he could muster. I felt like I was arguing with Montgomery Burns.
"Why don't you have any respect for me? Why don't you trust me? Opticians always allow me to take the glasses and send a cheque. I will take these glasses now and send a cheque in the post!"
Try to place yourself in my position. Either this lovely old man is in an advanced stage of dementia or he is trying it on with me, using that veil of venerability and deference as some sort of ruse to obtain his glasses for nowt. No matter how old this man was, and how much i liked the strange chap, I was not having any of it and embarrassingly I descended into the lowest known form of the English language…shop diplomacy.
"I am very sorry sir but it is not our policy to hand out glasses without first receipt of full payment."
(I have no idea where such phrases come from. I think it is that half of the brain that the world's best brain scientists have not yet managed to conquer.)
"Well, if you have no trust for your best patients (this nutty old man had been a patient with us for all of two weeks) then I will go elsewhere! I demand to have a copy of my prescription! I will go elsewhere! What is your name? I demand to see your manager about this!"
This strange and wonderful man had just made my day.
A lovely gentleman came into the shop a while back. I was particularly impressed with this man's age. He was nearing the century mark and seemed in good health and spirits.
I booked this gentleman's appointment and saw him through to the testing room with the optician. Such a wonderful old man, I hope I am as upbeat as that if I even get that far!
He tried on lots of frames and decided on a neat pair of rimless frames with a decent varifocal lens with MAR coating. As you can see, I am becoming quite adept at shop-speak. Shop-speak is a particular talent I've always coveted and I appear to have grasped it quickly. Anyhow, the gentleman left the shop seemingly happy with his choice.
"Ready in two weeks. We'll call you" I said to the gentleman.
I telephoned the old man and he duly came into collect his shiny new pair of glasses. I asked him to try the frames on to see if the vision and comfort were to his satisfaction. He responded with an approving nod and smile.
"So that will be £165 to pay please sir."
"I will post a cheque to you."
"Ah okay, a cheque is fine sir. Would you like me to get you a pen?"
The old man smiled and said, "I will send it in the post to you in a few days."
Now given this man's age, I pretended to ignore what he was actually saying and chose instead to believe he would like to leave the glasses with us until we had received the cheque.
I kindly say, "Not a problem sir, a cheque is fine. We will just hold these for you until the payment has cleared." I smile.
One of my hands is now firmly on the glasses case. I have no idea why, I don't think he would be able to outrun me if he decided to get up. In fact, in order to get up the old man needed to perform a 20-minute five-stage manoeuvre. For some reason, I still felt a firm hand was necessary. I felt the old man grip the other side of the case with all the force he could muster. I felt like I was arguing with Montgomery Burns.
"Why don't you have any respect for me? Why don't you trust me? Opticians always allow me to take the glasses and send a cheque. I will take these glasses now and send a cheque in the post!"
Try to place yourself in my position. Either this lovely old man is in an advanced stage of dementia or he is trying it on with me, using that veil of venerability and deference as some sort of ruse to obtain his glasses for nowt. No matter how old this man was, and how much i liked the strange chap, I was not having any of it and embarrassingly I descended into the lowest known form of the English language…shop diplomacy.
"I am very sorry sir but it is not our policy to hand out glasses without first receipt of full payment."
(I have no idea where such phrases come from. I think it is that half of the brain that the world's best brain scientists have not yet managed to conquer.)
"Well, if you have no trust for your best patients (this nutty old man had been a patient with us for all of two weeks) then I will go elsewhere! I demand to have a copy of my prescription! I will go elsewhere! What is your name? I demand to see your manager about this!"
This strange and wonderful man had just made my day.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
A quick laugh for 5 mins
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
...................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
..........................................................................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
..........................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
..........................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
..........................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is
a sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
...................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
..........................................................................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
..........................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
..........................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
..........................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is
a sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Funny Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Monday, October 9, 2006
Boss Vs Worker
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Cock And Hen
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that
The old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one
Young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards
Productivity.
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be
Retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you
With some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I
Win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 meter run. >From here to that t! Ree. But due to my age, I hope
You allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to
Start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock
Chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ..... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot
Dead by the farmer, who cursed, "What the hell ! This is the fifth GAY
Chicken I've bought this week !"
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Trivia Try Answering These Questions
1. What programming language is GOOGLE developed in?
2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?
3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?
4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?
7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot-
India
210/3 with Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two
different countries?
9. From what four word ex-pression does the word `goodbye` derive?
10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from
international cricket and later represented Zimbabwe?
15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?
16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by
only one country (other than Vatican)?
17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?
2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?
3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?
4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?
7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot-
India
210/3 with Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two
different countries?
9. From what four word ex-pression does the word `goodbye` derive?
10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from
international cricket and later represented Zimbabwe?
15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?
16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by
only one country (other than Vatican)?
17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?
Pharmaceutical Understanding
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Desert Survival
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."
Call From Hell
Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"
Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"
No Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
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